Thanks, but No Thanks
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Check, Please
My first week at my job, the C.E.O. took me out to lunch. He informed me that he takes one employee out to lunch every week on a rotating basis to discuss his or her position and give feedback on how things could run more smoothly. I found our first lunch to be very uncomfortable and began to dread the next one. My position is mostly answering phone calls, so work-related issues are resolved in much less time than the hour and 30 minutes allotted for the lunches. This means that the conversation usually dovetails into discussing our personal lives, which I dislike. It also happens that the C.E.O. is my least favorite person at the company. I find him to be brash, immature and annoying. Last week, I was supposed to go out to lunch with him, but I asked to have a formal meeting in the conference room instead to discuss my performance. After a lot of back-and-forth, he finally agreed, but during the meeting told me how important it was to him to take his employees out to lunch. None of the other employees seem to object to the lunches. Am I in the wrong for wanting to avoid an awkward lunch?
— Anonymous
You’re not wrong. You feel what you feel, and though it isn’t out of the realm of acceptability for a conversation to take a turn toward the more personal, the fact that it makes you uncomfortable is worth addressing. The next time the C.E.O. asks you to lunch, explain that you’d prefer a more formal meeting again, and that you want this to be the arrangement going forward. If he asks you why, simply tell him you want to keep things strictly professional and avoid more casual interactions. Don’t apologize, and don’t overexplain. And ask him to give you professional feedback in writing, at which point you can suggest a one-on-one meeting. In the office.
A Smelly Situation
I work with a woman who has very strong body odor and poor hygiene. We have worked together for 20 years and she has been told numerous times that her odor is a problem (resulting in tears). The only time there was an improvement was when was she was told a few years ago that she would not be included in meetings until she handled this problem. She sought medical advice and was put on medication. That solved the worst of it, but now we are back to regular old odor, including mildew and the smell of dirty laundry. A co-worker thinks it would be hurtful to have another conversation. I’m resentful that it’s an issue yet again and don’t particularly want to have another conversation. Speaking to someone at the top won’t help, she IS at the top!
— The Golden State
Oh, boy. This is a tough one. A really tough one. But there are a few details missing from your query. One: Who told her, in the past, that her odor was a problem? Was it you? Someone else? That may help me figure out how to advise and navigate the situation. Ideally, someone above her in the organization would (gently) raise the issue and that would be that.
Anyway, that’s the ideal, not the reality. The reality is that your co-worker is right: It will probably be very hurtful to have a conversation. (And fraught, given that she’s “at the top.”) But I also think it’s worth trying again. I suspect your co-worker has been cursed with a very pungent body odor for which there is little recourse, save for the aforementioned medication. You may inquire as to whether she’s still on the medication, explaining that the odor issue has resurfaced and has become a problem yet again. Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help, and approach her with compassion, acknowledging, openly, that you understand this is a difficult conversation for both of you, and that you want to be as respectful as possible.
